Having children is a great way to improve your reading and vocabulary skills...
"Do not turn on the TV when you get up. The TV has to stay off until the big kids leave for school. When you get up you need to change out of your Pull Up and play quietly, and not get into stuff." Seems pretty straight forward right? It's actual translation is a bit lengthy and goes something like this:
"When you get up in the morning head straight for the TV and turn on a movie. Sit and watch a movie while wearing a pee soaked Pull Up until you get bored and then play with my camera. Take a minimum of 92 pictures and 12 little video clips of yourself being naughty. Also, see that basket of wii stuff I put up there where you can't reach it? Yeah, why don't you move the little table to get it down since obviously I just put it up there to slow you down. You know I love it when you use the kids table and chairs to get into things. Be sure to act like it's a huge injustice when you are consequently grounded from the TV for the day after failing to follow directions and be really shocked when I put you down for a nap later that afternoon."
Fun huh?
Shall we try another?
"Please leave the door open. If you have to close the door to do what you're doing then chances are you shouldn't be doing it." Easy right?
Any mom knows that really means "close the door the minute I walk away and then stare at me like you don't speak English when I reiterate the fact that I would like the door to stay open because I don't trust you not to be doing something stupid in here. Something that is likely to end in a trip to the pediatrician... like trying to slide down from the top bunk on a crib mattress."
One more. It's a doozey...
"If you don't hurry and get dressed you're not going to have time for breakfast."
It actually means: "Take so long to get dressed that your sister will be more than halfway through her bowl of cereal by the time you see fit to grace us with your presence at the breakfast table. Be sure to eat each little flake, raisin and granola cluster individually. Don't forget to give your mother a nasty scowl-n-growl when she kicks you out of the kitchen ten minutes later and prevents you from being late for school."
Of course these are pretty advanced directions.
I suppose we should have started with easier stuff like how "Turn it off now!" actually means "Ignore me and be indignant when I turn it off for you." Or how "Clean this up please." is really just a clever way of saying, " Sit in here and don't clean up a thing. Seriously. Not one thing. In fact, you should probably get out a few more things because I can almost see enough of the carpet to venture a guess as to what color it is." And of course the way that, "This meal was a lot of work please just sit down and eat it." actually means something more like, "This food didn't come from a box, therefore, you will hate it. Continue to dance around the kitchen like some sort of fairy on a hunger strike."
Feel smarter already? Don't ya?
2 comments:
HA! You have snark down to an art! That last one comes out of my mouth every flipping morning. Dee is so dang slow. I am just waiting for his teacher to chastise me for sending my son to school minus breakfast. HIs fault not mine lady.
hehe. I know EXACTLY how that is...and the sad thing is, reverse psychology DOESN'T WORK!!!!!!! If you tell them the opposite of what you want them to do, they do exactly what you say. WHY?????
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